I don't want to because I am not...

Image by Carla Perez Besame Mucho Photography.

I have always said to my self, "when I lose the weight I will do..." one of those things was to take Boudoir (sexy/intimate)  portraits of myself.  Before I was going to get married, I really, really wanted to surprise my fiancé with them, but of course, the dreaded, "your too fat for those pictures", voice came along and yup, you guessed it, I didn't take them. Ugh! I regret not taking them. But I take a deep breath and I just let it go (ok, I try).  

As of now, I am at my highest weight, my roundest, chunkiest, stuff jiggles where stuff I thought shouldn't jiggle, but I surprised myself, and it does jiggle, hahahha. Ok, ok, so I got to thinking, why don't I deserve to take sexy pictures of me, just as I am.  I see the beauty in all women at any age, any size, why can't I see it in me. So I called my hair and makeup artist, Lily G, to come over and do her magic on me.  And BAM! This is me at my at my highest weight (pic shown), my roundest, chunkiest, stuff jiggles where stuff I thought shouldn't jiggle, weight. 

I was actually nervous when I did my own photoshoot, I felt what all my clients felt, the nerves, the excitement, the anticipation, the what if I am not pretty enough, not good enough, and the blah blah blah of it all. 

And when all was done, I was speechless, all that doubt, the non deserving voices shut down and I felt Beautiful, but not only on the outside, I fell in love with myself, within ME; Me the person who has gained weight, who has struggled, who fought, who failed, who persevered, who conquered, I fell in LOVE with All of Me. The person I have become on the inside and the outside. I am no longer a weight, I no longer am a jean/dress size, I am Carla. A strong woman who wants to create, encourage, empower, see others conquer and strive. I am so much more that just a number, I am a deserving person. I realized that I was so harsh with myself.  I was talking to my self in such a disgusting, unimaginable way. I would NEVER say that to any one else, but here I was saying it to me on a daily basis. I realized that this way of speaking to my self had to STOP immediately.  The more I see this picture the more I believe in myself, my self worth, that I am deserving of all wonderful things. 

To the person who is stopping themselves from doing what they want to do, because of whatever reason, weight, appearance, race, age, I say take a deep breath and just JUMP!  Your soul deserves to be happy.